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“Sexy” Things That Aren’t

Every item on this list is supposed to turn men on. Weirdly enough, says Jake, they may do the opposite.


Jake illo



Women continue to knock sexy out of the park in ways that could make a grown man cry. (From boy shorts to oversize shades, you guys know what you’re doing.) And yet the line between “hot” and “trying too hard” can be very thin. These are a few of the efforts you really shouldn’t make to impress us. Because, trust me, we’re already there.




Sexy couple on couch



Pubic Topiary


I once dated a woman who’d painstakingly fashioned her hair down there into a fine strip—and by “fine,” I mean a line like Errol Flynn’s mustache. If it hadn’t been so perfectly centered, I’d have just assumed she missed a spot with the razor. My old roommate, however, took the prize when he met a woman who sported a thunderbolt, and yet another who had whittled things into an exclamation point. “I guess it was impressive,” he admits, knowing that he was supposed to love the salaciousness of such porn-inspired maintenance. “But I was excited enough by the circumstances; it didn’t need punctuation.”





Fishnet stockings



Fishnet Stockings


You might be thinking, Now, wait a second, Jake, this sounds like nothing more than one man’s personal preference. To that I offer you exhibit A, my friend James*: “When a woman wears fishnets, it’s like she’s banging you over the head with ‘notice my legs,’ ” he says. “Believe me, a short skirt works just fine.” Unless you are both French and a maid, no holey tights, please.




Taking off underwear


Not Wearing Any Underwear


With this one, circumstances count. It’s sexy when it’s just for us, and a thumbs-down when we find out you’ve spent the day that way. See, when you go commando, we think you’re ready for action in two snaps. That’s hot. But if you’ve been alfresco at work for hours, it means other dudes were mere snaps away. That’s disturbing.




Applying red lipstick



A Pucker Like Gwen Stefani’s


Technically, superbright red lipstick is sexy, but it also seems to say, “Look but don’t touch, or you’ll mess up my paparazzi-ready makeup.” While we’re on the subject, when a woman compulsively reapplies lipstick or gloss of any shade after every bite and sentence, we’re torn. Your lips look delicious, but kissing you means ingesting a product. And that’s not what we had in mind for dessert.





Woman drinking cocktail at bar



“Screaming Orgasms,” Jell-O Shots and Other Crazy Drinks


When my friend Mark’s date ordered a Sex on the Beach and gave him a flirtatious look, he got uncomfortable. “Suddenly I was out with a vixen,” he said. “If that’s the drink you like, great, but it doesn’t add to your appeal.” Actually, the only order likely to impress a guy is a shot of whiskey, and that’s because most of us aren’t man enough to down one.





Ear blowing



Ear Blowing


There’s nothing sexier than an accidental female breath in your ear, but when one ex intentionally puffed into my left canal, I felt trapped in a Juicy Fruit-scented wind tunnel. (Also, it kind of hurt.) And throwing in a growl or moan? Doesn’t help.

Thank you GLAMOUR MAGAZINE